I decided to sum up how to be the most annoying person on social media by writing this letter. Consider it a fabulous litmus test to be used to see how annoying you are (or I am), on a scale of 0 to COMPLETELY, to others on social media. ENJOY!
Y’ALL. Today. Ugh.
Worst. Day. Ever. Don’t ask me what happened; I can’t talk about it. But it was awful. Like, horrible. Seriously, you wouldn’t even believe the thing that happened. That I can’t talk about. So don’t ask. (But your jaw would drop!)
I guess you figure out who your true friends are when things get tough. Life has been hard for me lately, and the people I thought were my friends have shown that they have better stuff (or people) to worry about. You know who you are. It’s time to go through my friends list on Insta and FB. If you can still see my feeds tomorrow, then it means that I know you’re a true friend. Or that I am keeping you as a friend for the sole purpose of maintaining the ability to stalk your personal life without you knowing. Also, if you don’t accept my Candy Crush requests, consider yourself out of the inner circle of trust. Any hater of Candy Crush is no friend of mine.
Some of you might remember that I went to the Caribbean recently. I was thinking of hosting a picture party so you could all see what a fabulous time you didn’t have, but instead I’ve decided to fill your entire Insta feed with pictures of turquoise beaches, mixed drinks, and selfies of me in a bikini. Don’t worry, I only have 137 pictures to share, so it shouldn’t take you too long to look through them and hate your own life. And body.
Keep an eye out for a FB invite from me to come to a cleaning supply party at my house. I swore I’d never sell pyramid-scheme crapola, but when I found out about these products I was sold! LADIES, we HAVE to stop cleaning our homes with CHEMICALS! Instead of 409, you should try this special blend of chemical-free home cleaner. It’s made with a special blend of essential oil that is extracted from the Amazon rainforest, Mother Teresa’s saliva (it was bottled before her death and is more precious than gold), and water from the fountain of life. You can get a sample-sized bottle to try for only $99. I know it seems pricey, but maintaining a chemical-free home for your family is priceless. Am I right? We will also be showcasing a radical new dietary supplement called the vegetable, which has the potential to help you lose weight and get healthy if ingested daily. Get excited to learn and improve your health, ladies!
Speaking of health, I’m now vegan. It’s something all of you should consider. I just feel so good and my body is LOVING IT. Good news? I am SO regular and I crave only raw plants, tree bark, and soil. Bad news? I can’t eat anything that tastes good and my molars are ground down to nubs. It’s really super-great. I could go on and on about it, and I probably will. Also, here’s a picture of my lunch:
This morning I went out for a quick run. I love the fresh air and the burst of dopamine I get when I take a few minutes out of my day to take care of myself. Also, I have an app that will post to social media and show you just how far I ran so you can be amazed.
Don’t judge me. My pace was a little slower than normal because I’m nine months pregnant. This baby’s really slowing me down!
I went shopping earlier for something to wear to my friend’s wedding. I found the cutest little black dress. You can never go wrong with a LBD. #LBD #LittleBlackDress #ADressThatIsBlackAndLittle #Dresses #Fashion #OnSale #Shopping #Weddings #Clothes #NotNaked #etc
This afternoon we had a major celebration in our home! Little Timmy did his first #2 on the potty! He’s been going wee-wee without reminders for several weeks, but he just couldn’t seem to make it to the potty without soiling his undies. I’m including a photo of his first pooper in the potty so you can rejoice with us!
(Kidding. I just couldn't do that to you all.)
Lastly, y’all, I’m just so thankful. I have such an amazing man, such amazing friends (you know who you are, and who you aren’t), and so much to be inspired about. I could’ve been born in some other place or time, but I wasn’t. Other people were. But not me. Because I’m #blessed.